ʟᴀɴᴄᴇ ᴍᴄᴄʟᴀɪɴ (
spacebaloney) wrote2018-06-26 02:32 am
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» in space, everybody can hear you scream

You've reached Lance, the Paladin of the Blue Lion. It breaks my heart to tell you that I'm unavailable to take your call right now, but if you leave me a message, I'll get right back to you.
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[That's sure to come out muffled from his nest of blankets, so hopefully Shiro hears him well enough. It's times like these Lance wishes he had a Pokemon that could open doors.]
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[He's cut off by Blue.]
[Blue who hurtles into the room, sliding on his weird Gallade knees, up to the bedside. Looking up at the blanket lump with a worried little noise.]
... Blue came too.
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Hi Blue.
[If anybody forgot Lance was a teenager, here's a strong reminder that he sure as hell is and has that tendency to sulk and sulk hard with short and clipped answers.]
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[Shiro just... slowly steps in. Sits on the floor against the bed.]
I want to tell you it feels better, eventually. [If Lance sounds muffled and clipped, Shiro just sounds tired again.] That he can always come back. And... it might even be soon.
But -- I can't lie. It sucks, man. I'm... still waiting for it to feel better.
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Lance has his eyes open under the blankets, staring at the thread weave that's all in his face as if they would make sense of this stuff.]
So what you're saying is don't get used to anybody being here.
[Because Allura's never come back. Maybe it means the same for Hunk.]
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[Sorry, Lance. He's going to be honest. Maybe he should try and soften things a little. Maybe he should give him false hope. But --]
But people do come back. Sometimes. And sometimes you can have closure. Say things you needed to.
I mean... if I thought none of this was worth it, I wouldn't be planning my next badge, or keeping Armin's room open. Or dating someone again.
I wouldn't be sitting in here... trying to make it a little less hard for you.
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[Lance isn't going to pull that one out. It feels too mean, maybe too useless, too something that's way too close to feelings he's been keeping tucked away from the beginning of Voltron. He's held out this long. He can try going forever.
Pulling the blanket from his head, Lance stays laying down, back turned to Shiro and Blue.]
Well, anyway, happy birthday, Lance. We sent your best friend home, yay.
[He really wanted to celebrate hitting the big one-eight with Hunk. Maybe go get into a little trouble poking his nose into things he can't do right now. Maybe convince a bartender to give him drinks. He had plans and now they're gone like Hunk.]
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[It's surprisingly hard to keep his voice steady when he asks that. He manages, though. That sort of forced calm you pull out when it's clearly Not Okay. But it has to be.]
[That kind he probably should be keeping hold of, instead of this. Because you can bet your ass he's decided there could have been more to do. There could have been a way to prevent this. If he hadn't been so... excited... at the idea of being people again. Of this second chance everyone talked about.]
[Maybe it was a bad idea, after all.]
I... [I don't know what to say, for once. Like the whole situation took the wind out of his sails completely.]
If you need... anything. I'll -- I'll be here.
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It's gone this far. Might as well clarify what he really meant.]
That you guys got each other.
[And he guesses that yeah, they got time too. had more than a month to spend with each other and Hunk and Lance maybe had only a few days, tops. Envious? Yeah, pretty much.]
And Pidge has Matt.
[Maybe Shiro will say Lance has them too, but in his eyes, it's different. Those guys are closer.]
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[Of course he's going to say that. He can't not say it. Because despite everything, it's still true. Nothing's going to change it, at this point. Nothing's he can think of would make them not be there for their friend.]
[Well... aside from being physically separated.]
[Lance is probably right -- it's probably a good thing he's not looking. Shiro's got that look back on his face. The one that's too focused. On everything but how much he wishes he could fix this the one way that would help.]
If I could... do something. Trade with him, I don't... know.
[Because hey. He's dealt with worse than what he was going through back there. He wouldn't notice anyone was gone. He... wouldn't have what he has now, with Matt. But -- but that's selfish. Isn't it? Too selfish.]
But if I could... [I would.]
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[He knew Shiro was going to say that and maybe he should have headed it off at the cut, or better yet, just kept his mouth shut from the beginning and just told Shiro that he wasn't in the mood to see anybody and maybe snuck out to work earlier than he usually goes so he could avoid saying the dumbest things alive.
Because how does Lance explain that all the feelings of inadequacy of being in Voltron, of not having the skills like Hunk and Pidge, definitely not being leader material like Shiro or Allura, of feeling that he brings nothing to the table, have followed him here and transformed into something new and just as painful. That everybody has something in their life that's better and more important than him. That everybody else is good at something and here he is struggling with his Pokemon that doesn't listen, still messing up drinks at work, with his one hope of not feeling left out anymore gone.
Lance'll do many things just to have his mom right now, knowing her hugs make everything better, but he can't have that either.]
Doesn't matter. [He sighs, sliding back under the blanket. Lance is thinking that he's thankful that Shiro cant read minds.] There's nothing you can do. Nothing any of us can do. Especially me.
[But that last part rings a much different meaning that the one Lance gives to Shiro.]
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[Well... now he feels even worse for having said that to Keith, before. About their past. About what happened then. He'd known, logically, if there'd been any hope of getting the others back, then -- then he would have done everything already. If there'd been a chance of getting Allura back, Dorian or Armin's friend, or Jean's or Sasha's or ... ]
[Too complacent.]
[You're like a soldier, people here said. So often. Maybe this was what happened when people like them got too comfortable. Expected normalcy. They got it ripped out from under them with a reminder they couldn't do anything.]
[He knows Blue is watching him, eyes wide and concerned. And just... feels even guiltier. There's nothing you can do. If it stings this badly, in his head... it's got to be worse for his teammate. His friend. Who's worth so much more than he's ever known.]
Don't give up.
[Slowly, he stands up again. Sort of feels like his knees locked up there, for a minute.]
Not on any of us. Or yourself. Please.
[But he'll step out, unless he's stopped, leaving Blue to stay or go if the Gallade wants. In case... he's just making things worse.]
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Don't give up. Not on any of us.
No, Lance's biggest fear is that they'll give up on him. And that's what his mind is telling him: that Shiro thinks Lance the problem here, the one who has control in this situation of whether or not he believes in people. He does believe in them. He loves these guys like family. Would take them in any form they came. Lance is just utterly afraid that the feeling isn't mutual. That they just deal with his presence because they need someone to pilot the Blue Lion. That maybe the perks of bringing home free coffee and leftover pastries is good enough to deal with how annoying he can be. His mind will always keep that constant reminder of once they find someone better, cooler, and definitely a better soldier for the war that they won't need him anymore.
And if there's anything Lance craves is the feeling of being needed. To be irreplaceable rather than the replacement. Shiro needs Matt. Matt needs Pidge. Pidge needs Matt. Keith needs Shiro. No one needs the dumb kid from Cuba. Not anymore.]
It's not that. [He doesn't want to leave things like this with Shiro. Shiro deserves better. He deserves the truth and to not walk out of this room thinking Lance has any say in how people perceive him. This time when he pulls the covers back, he sits up, yet his eyes fall on his hands in his lap and not on Shiro or Blue. The classic look of being embarrassed.] Maybe I don't belong here. I love you guys, but like I said... you all got each other, things that are important to you. More important to you.
[There. He's said it. Back home Lance could say at least they had Voltron. Here... they have at least what? He can't think of anything for him.]
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[Maybe part of him figures he deserves it for letting his guard down, for all of them.]
[But what does come out feels a little more like a punch in the chest than he thought it was going to be. He ends up staring at him, speechless again. Some of that shock probably plastered onto his face. Sure, some part of him knew Lance had these thoughts. Issues. It wasn't hard not to -- sort of like it'd be hard not knowing Shiro himself was missing a big chunk of memories, or currently looked like a dorito chip.]
[He'd just never really thought it'd come down to more important than me. It's like that conversation with Jean, all over again.]
Lance, there's -- why wouldn't you belong here? You're just as much a part of us as Pidge, or Keith. [You know, in the future. But work with him, buddy.] You...
[He stops, pushing both hands through his hair. The universal Shiro Signal for discomfort. The signal what's next is... rough. It's not a Leader Speech. It's raw. Honest.]
You were the first person I told Jean about. I -- Lance I named Blue because of you. Because I wanted you here. I wanted all of you here. There were so many times... before any of you showed up, that I'd have given anything to see you again. I didn't care who. Or when or how.
There wasn't any difference.
You don't have to believe me. After today, I... wouldn't blame you if you didn't. But -- none of that has changed. That's not going to change. Not for me.
[He has no idea if it's going to change anything. Or make it better or just... crumple everything up and make it worse like it has with the others. But at least, in the end, he was honest.]
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But the rest? That hits the target. Someone wanted him? People say actions speak louder than words, and in most cases, that's true, but for Lance he needs the verbal confirmation that he's not walking dead weight. He's such a sponge for praise and recognition that it's no longer a joke or just "Lance being Lance" again. No, it's Lance needing it to push out the negative thoughts he has of himself, thoughts that no one else agrees with, and fill the empty space with positivity instead. Otherwise, he'll just find new things to shit on himself for and start the cycle over again.
Big blue eyes are now watching Shiro, all wide in shock.]
You named Blue after me?
[He assumed Shiro was following a strange naming scheme and since Blue is actually blue, Lance thought that's why he obtained the moniker. It occurred to Lance that Shiro was referring to the Blue Lion but what he didn't realize until right this moment was that Shiro sees Lance as the Blue Lion. It's one thing to have a setient alien lion accept you as its Paladin; it's a whole different story to have your friend, role model, and leader accept you for you and not as a seatwarmer.
Lance quickly glances over as the Gallade, as if he's going to tell Lance that Shiro is lying when Shiro has never lied to Lance a day in his life. It's just still really hard to believe someone else has so much faith in him when he has so little faith in himself.]
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[He has to laugh a little as he says it. In disbelief that Lance didn't see it. Why else would Shiro have named the Gallade after him? Unless he reminded him of the person sitting right in front of him. A tangible reminder of the people he hadn't been able to see. It was comforting.]
[It was reassuring.]
I mean, why else would I tell him all about you? [There's that same bemused, tired sort of laugh. Shaking his head. He should have known he needed to make that clearer. Should have figured Lance wouldn't piece that together, not out of any sort of doubt in him.]
[But... he really should have known Lance's insecurity wouldn't have seen that.]
I ... guess I should have told you sooner, huh? [He leans in the doorway, then, rather than stepping into the hall.] They're all named for you guys.
[His pokemon crew ended up being oddly like his team. And he was grateful. Grateful enough to pass on the names in the only way he could think of that wouldn't be too out there.]
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I don't know. [He shrugs, turns back to looking at his hands in his lap.] I thought maybe after you told him all the cool stuff the other guys can do like hacking, and fixing the tech and making space goo actually taste like chicken and being top pilots, you had to come up with something for me and settled on... team goofball.
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[Well, okay, it's not wrong. Technically. Lance is a goof. But, he's gotten better. He's gotten a lot better. And they need that, sometimes -- all of them need that sort of levity around. It's a nice reminder they're still human, sometimes. Humans who can appreciate goofy things. That makes it far more positive than Lance himself can probably see it.]
[Now he's stepping back inside, because distance doesn't feel right.]
I wouldn't have told him about the others, anyway. He didn't remind me of them. Not even once. He never wanted to know, either.
[The Gallade just nods. Solemn -- more so than he tends to be, anyway.]
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Never? [Lance furrows his brows at that bit of information. It rings weird to him.] How come?
[Lance asks the Gallade as if he could actually form words and explain his thought process. Honestly, he wouldn't hold it against Blue if he got curious about the others, but to not ask at all after hearing about Lance? This guy is being thrown for a trip so far he doesn't even have it in him to be depressed anymore.]
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[He tries, he's tried his best, but he's still... kind of a disaster of his own, deep down.]
It wasn't important to him, I think. He connected with you, just hearing about you.
[Another series of nods from the Gallade. Look, he's not the strongest. He's a support Pokemon. Is it really a wonder he went and identified with the guy who struggled too?]
... Blue's not one of the frontliners. He's a support. He'll come out, buff our defenses, lower the opponent's. When he's got the advantage, he takes it.
But I think that's why he clicked with you -- it took him a while to figure out where he fit best, too.
[Okay well, thanks for that, Dad. Blue sort of hunkers down where he's sitting, looking as embarrassed as a lanky onion knight can.]
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Other people's skills weren't important to Blue, not when Lance was in his sight. Lance always strove to be the one in the spotlight, to be the one the crowds remember. But that's not his place, not the one he's meant for, so was it any mystery why he kept failing at the position that fate hadn't set out for him? Just because he's a jack of all trades doesn't mean he's a master of none. He's great at what he does--sniping opponents, the one who brings light to the dark serious issues they are dealing with, the one who reminds them all that no matter what war they are fighting or where they've come from, there's still a time where it's necessary to take a breath and switch their mindset from constant violence to remembering they are more than just fighting machines. Lance just needs to realize no one is keeping score. Except for Blue and that's only because someone needs to ammunition to throw at the haters.
Lance reaches down and pats Blue's head, smiling softly. They really are two of a kind, aren't they? Two people thinking they need to do one thing when all along, they were in the perfect spot.]
So you keep your team from killing themselves? Proud of ya, Blue.
[That might not exactly what Blue does, but if anybody knows what a little praise can do, it's Lance.]
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[He's never washing his head again.]
I think you just made his entire life. [There's a beat, and Shiro's attention shifts from the Gallade to Lance again.] Thank you.
[No one else could, not really. Look, Blue's a good pokemon, deep down. He trusts and follows his trainer, but? For someone else to say that? To see it? It probably means as much to Blue as it would to Lance. Blue's eyes are practically sparkling.]
[So... Shiro takes that opportunity to reach out, and put his hand on Lance's shoulder. Like an unconscious imitation of what his teammate just did for his Gallade.]
You know that goes for you too. Right? Maybe you don't see it yet, but you've done a lot to be proud of.
I am, anyway.
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He better not expect it on a regular basis. It'll start getting stale.
[Lance is completely and utterly joking. He would never be stingy on the compliments--all well meaning compliments--if it meant someone else wouldn't feel the way he does sometimes. Especially Blue. The crazy Pokemon looks up to him, has looked up to him even before they met, and Lance can't deny that it makes him warm inside. Someone who didn't even lay eyes on him first thinks he hung the moon.
Lance'll have to remember that next time he feels like he's just dragging everybody else down.
He looks up at the solid hand on his shoulder and then follows the arm up to the face of the man that's changed Lance's life more than he could ever know. Shiro may think he can control how they all get their second chances here, but Lance has not and will never blame him for that. Shit happens. They'll just have to stick together as a team as much as they can.]
Do you... Do you mind if you know... maybe you could slap me upside the head with that every so often?
[It's a big step for him to admit that. A huge leap for him to admit all of this, to explain that a lot of his behavior stems from his lack of self-faith. But here in the privacy of his bedroom, between the three of them, Lance feels safe to begin working on it. Life is too short. Life here is too short and any of them could get sent back like Hunk. He just wants to have someone in his corner as he finds his way.]
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If it's coming from you, I don't think that's possible for him.
[Lance may be joking, but Shiro's absolutely serious. He really doesn't think it's possible for anyone to get tired of their hero's compliments. Honestly, if that's what it takes to help his teammate out, he's more than happy to let Blue mob Lance at every opportunity. At least until he gets his feet under him, here.]
[It's the least he can do, after all this. And Shiro really is proud of him. He's really tried his best since he got here, the... one flirtatious network post aside. Losing Hunk, this whole thing with Keith -- Lance is trying. And it hasn't gone unnoticed.]
No, I don't mind. Reminding you, but not the slapping part. Pretty sure that's not in my job description.
[He's going to do it. Absolutely. He's going to do anything and everything in his power to make it easier for these guys. His fingers squeeze that skinny shoulder. Anything for them, really. Long as it takes.]
You're doing a good job here, man. You really are.
RIP I FORGOT TO TAG THIS BACK
[He hasn't done much of anything impressive since he got here. Anybody can get a food service job without actual work experience. The manager didn't even care that Lance was a space pilot. The job wasn't dependent on skill when Lance willing to work any and all shifts mattered the most. The trouble with training Kaltenecker still continues when he sees everybody else bonding tightly with their starters. The only thing Lance feels he's done right was not turn any of the house's white shirts pink when he did the laundry.
Lance shrugs, a frown twisting his mouth to the side.]
I'm not doing anything, really.
IT'S OKAY
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