spacebaloney | » in space, everybody can hear you scream

Hey Lance? Can we talk? I'm not angry - just. Need to talk to you.

[Shiro might not be angry (or he is and he's just too nice to say so), but Lance is. Not at Shiro, though. At the others.]

yeah i'm here

Meet me in the kitchen? Probably better if this is a face to face thing.

you know yelling through text is totally cool and way easier to deal with so let's go with that

[All right then, we're gonna do this the Lance Way. So... Shiro swaps over to Voice.]

I'm not going to yell at you. I'm not even angry with you. [There's a bit of an emphasis on that 'you'.]

Grant just asked me to talk to you for him. He's the bigger guy, the one with the longer hair? [A pause.] The only one at that auction I'm not about to read the riot act for threatening you.

[Damn it, Shiro. You were supposed to give up!]

Yeah...

[Lance really doesn't want to do this. He would rather go back and argue with Thrace and that other guy instead. It feels unfinished, like he never got the chance to tell Thrace he isn't his mother so he doesn't get to "scold" him and say... whatever to Steven.

Though the though of Shiro tearing them a new one helps. Not as satisfying as doing it himself, but it helps.]

What about him?

[Oh, he's got words. He has a lot of words for the people who decided to level threats against Lance was a good idea. If anything beyond words had happened...]

[Well. They would probably have been torn a new one for real.]

Just - be careful with those kinds of comments around other people. Okay? I know you don't mean anything by it. But, he doesn't. And I guess, where he's from, people do mean those kinds of things. Not in a flattering way, either.

So just keep an eye on that, all right?

[Lance is eerily and uncharacteristically quiet for a long while, almost like he had hung up. But then he speaks in a unsure voice.]

I actually meant it. [Another pause.] I mean, I did and I didn't.

You didn't mean it negatively, is my point.

... but if you actually were trying to get... that to happen, then we need a whole other talk.

No, what I meant was...

[Lance sighs, scrubbing his hand through his hair. It's a move no one will ever see him do because goodness, being seen with messy hair is shameful.]

I wanted you go out on a date. An actual date. With somebody. One somebody. Not three. When they kept adding people, I got annoyed. They all obviously know each other and I dunno, Shiro... I just wanted for you to get out there again. If I'm wrong for that, so be it.

That...

[Wellp. He'd thought it was just, you know, Lance being Extremely Lance about the whole thing. He really should've known there was something genuine under the surface. Or... maybe he had and part of him wanted to reject it outright.]

[It just sounds like giving up, Grant had said.]

[Shiro's turn to push his hand through his hair. To go quiet.]

That isn't... wrong. It's - really a nice gesture. [But - ] I guess the only problem was how you said it. Not... what you meant. [God this sounds so lame even to him.]

I'm not ready, Lance.

[If Shiro asked him, Lance would just feel that Shiro didn't think much of him. Unfortunately, that's still a thing about Lance. That no matter how much maturing he does, others will still think little of his true nature.

Guess that how it'll always go.]

You're never gonna be ready.

[That bluntness has got to sting, but Lance feels it needs to be said, especially when it's done out of love.]

I know you. You're never gonna be truly ready because you won't let yourself be. You'll put it off, find excuses, find a reason not to be. And then next thing we know, it'll be five years from now and you'll still be saying you're not ready.

Why is that wrong? Never being ready?

[It does sting. It stings a lot, more than he really expected it to. Deep down, Lance is right. He knows it. Knows he’s not going to let himself get over this. No matter how much time passes.]

[It’s not fair to...]

[To someone who might never come back?]

Look, you’re happy with Pidge and I’m happy for you, but that doesn’t mean ... it doesn’t mean that’s in the cards for everyone.

You don’t have to try and fix this.

[Fix Shiro’s issues.]

This isn't about me and Pidge, but since you brought that up, you're not the only one who lost someone they loved.

[Hunk. They lost Hunk and if Shiro thinks that didn't tear both of them apart, then he is is booksmart while being dumb as a sack of doorknobs.]

When Hunk left, it broke me. It broke Pidge. We were scared because we just knew that if he left, it would be the end of things. Then he did and the Hunk we knew didn't come back. And we didn't know if we should move on, either with or without each other, or just hold out and wait. And we decided moving on was the best. Because we--you--can't live thinking you'll never be happy again. That's one way to make sure you won't be.

[And for that last part, the harsh but loving truth continues.]

Someone has to try. You won't. If you won't, then let your friends try.

[Shockingly, the words on the other end of the line are a murmur dangerously close to a curse. Briefly. Hard to hear over the sound of Shiro Shirogane putting his foot in his mouth.]

I - I'm sorry. I knew that. [And yet...] Really.

[And there's Lance yet again, being a braver, stronger person in this arena than Shiro. Maybe he should hand over the reins to him.]

[You won't really is harsh, but it's also really true. He won't. He said as much to Grant, didn't he? He - ]

I just. I can't. I think about it, I think about trying and getting "out there" and I ... fold. I can't.

[If Lance is being brutally honest, then... well. He may as well repay the favor.]

[And yet, maybe Shiro forgot. It's been so long since Hunk left that Lance wants to say he can't blame Shiro. But maybe it's because Shiro has been deep in the dark place that he's oblivious to everything else while steadying denying everything else is happening.]

You can't? Or you won't? There's a big difference between the two.

[And Lance wants to know which one it is here before he goes on.]

[He should be blamed. He should be held accountable. Why shouldn't he be?]

[Just like he wants to say "won't". Because won't means stubborn. It means choosing, being in some kind of denial. It means a conscious decision to give up. Not something out of his control, some new, huge wall he has no idea how to climb.]

I can't. All right? [Is what snaps out of his throat instead. All while his brain is screaming at him to shut up. To stop putting this on Lance's shoulders, who absolutely doesn't need his crap.] I can't. I tried up there! All I could think about was getting out again! Leaving!

[At least it's honest. Admitting it. It sounds like you're giving up - when he's never given up on anything in his life.]

I can't.

» in space, everybody can hear you scream

SOMETIME AFTER THE AUCTION

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject