» in space, everybody can hear you scream

[spacebaloney]

You've reached Lance, the Paladin of the Blue Lion. It breaks my heart to tell you that I'm unavailable to take your call right now, but if you leave me a message, I'll get right back to you.

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[shiro2hero]

That's not what's bothering you.

[There were several other conversations that turned this way. Way before he'd made offhand mention of Lance finding a place in the salon. Like when Hunk had vanished. There were others, when he got the feeling something else lurked below the surface. Reasons why he'd asked Harry and Yuuko both for advice on how Lance could find something for himself.]

[It's not fine.]

[It's absolutely not fine, and he knows it.]

We have time, right now, Lance. I want to listen to you.

[He doesn't care if it's whining or not. Whenever he's heard anything close to being considered whining out of Lance, it wasn't serious. He got over it. Shiro wouldn't consider him such an important member of their team if he were the type to seriously blow everything out of proportion.]

[How does he make Lance believe he's as sincere as he is? Every time he tries, it seems like nothing sinks in. Like nothing comes out right or nothing's truly believed. It's disheartening, it hurts.]

[But not enough to stop trying.]

You're important to me. As my teammate, my friend. I want to help, if I can.

[spacebaloney]

[It's true that it's not. It's also true that this is the first time Lance has ever lied to Shiro, but he feels the need to. He remembers Shiro saying things got in the way before and Lance might believe that was fate saving Shiro from him. Shiro might want to listen to him right now, but in the end, things won't matter. Lance just knows that as soon as Jean steps into the room, he'll be another one of those things that happen to get in the way. It'll hurt less if Lance just accepts things like that as fact and reality and expect it to eventually happen, right? Setting yourself up to expect disappointment means you won't be as crushed with the inevitable happens.

Hey, look. None of this would have happened if Lance didn't say a peep about Jean. Shiro carving out time to talk to Lance? That pales in comparison to getting someone to fix his hair. And that's fine. Lance is learning where he stands in relation to how important he really is to this house. He was only important to one person and his mom isn't here so there goes that one person.]

Dude, there's nothing to help except your hair!

[Lance forces the smile even more and makes a joke that is clear he doesn't even find funny himself. If Shiro can hide things that are bothering him from everybody--even Matt--then Lance can do it too. He'll just have to try that much harder to think before he speaks and not give off so many tells that he's shoving everything down that much deeper. No whiner here. Nope. What would give anybody that idea? Just a go-getter with great hair who solves his own damn problems and does it quietly. Yep, that's him. Good ol' Lancey Lance. Definitely not a baby who fails at everything.]

[shiro2hero]

Please...

[But it feels helpless. The word feels like a plea that won't materialize. He doesn't know why this is so hard. He thought they could tell him anything. That he'd be able to do something. He could help. That if they needed him, he'd be there for them.]

[All of them. Why does Lance feel like he's so much different? Like he's outside that circle of assistance? Does he need to back off him? Support him more? He doesn't know, and he can't know unless they talk.]

[Which Lance isn't letting him do.]

I want to help.

[spacebaloney]

[Lance thought he could tell anyone anything, but ever since sucking down his pride (or most of it anyway) and getting burned in return, he decides that it isn't worth it. Not here. Probably not ever. Maybe it was one guy, but that's all that was necessary to show Lance what a bad idea it was.

Shiro says he wants to help, but Lance thinks he's beyond help. He's a hot mess of a person who can't do anything right, can't do anything better than anyone else, and that's just the truth in his head. The team leader can spend his time with someone who isn't destined to fail. Spend time with his incredibly smart boyfriend, hang out with Keith, wear ugly shirts,. All things that got in the way before can get in the way again.]

Shiro, I need to get the shampoo so we can wash that bleach out of your hair or else it'll fall out. Can we just do that?

[Can he just escape and pretend nothing happened? That would be cool.]

[shiro2hero]

[Let it, he wants to say. Let it fall out, he almost says.]

[But he's said all he can think to say. Tried as much as he can. And yet this just keeps slipping out of his grasp. No matter how much he approaches this, how he tries to promise and be sincere, Lance won't answer. Like he's done something to make him think Shiro doesn't want to help. Like his words just bounce off a wall.]

Lance, I want to tell you to forget the bleach.

If something's bothering you, it's more important to me than my hair. And that's the truth. I... can't say that any more plainly.

[He wants to say that. He wants to say it and have it work. Have it help. Have it unlock this -- start to help this heal, whatever it is. Whatever problem Lance is having with Jean, I want to help.]

[He lets his hand drop. The feeling of defeat riding cold in his chest. The feeling he's let someone down.]

But you're not going to tell me. Are you?